Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?
EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.
Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”
What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”
EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)
Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”
What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.”
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