A DG reader shared that he learned his last girlfriend was currently married only after he proposed when she said she was pregnant.
It made me think of what else would be assuring to have someone prove before you got too involved. Of course, it would be considered rude to request the following
Since humankind began, people have been trying to improve their allure. Yet it seems elusive for many, even though some elements seem obvious:
Attractive appearance. A willingness to consciously make yourself appealing to those you want to attract. I have no idea, then, why so many online profiles feature hideous pictures. And even with a reasonable picture, why men show up unkempt apparently not passing a mirror before leaving their house or office.Pleasant personality. Charm can trump physical attractiveness. Being complimentary and nice pulls someone to you much more than insults and meanness. Yet millions of people haven’t seemed to learn this basic concept.Yesterday a midlife gal pal and I were comparing dating stories. We shared what we’ve gleaned that men seem to be drawn to. We examined our own dating success and felt it boiled down to a few key areas.
The men were lonely and happy to have any pleasant, reasonably attractive woman’s company. We both qualified with these basic qualities.But beyond this, we felt there were other behaviors comprising appeal that apparently few women have figured out.
Actively listening. This may seem like a “duh,” but the truth is, not many people are truly good listeners, gently asking relevant questions that show interest. Few people have a natural curiosity when it comes to others. Some who do, ask questions that are intrusive or combative, rather than in a gently caring way. Most people respond positively to another who takes a genuine interest in them.By actively listening you can learn a lot about someone. After a few email interactions and a few hours in person, a man told me that I knew more about him than most of his friends. I think I listened better and seemed more interested in him than his friends.In a recent exploratory conversation, a 55-year-old man told me that he’d returned to school to sharpen his skills since he was laid off two years ago. He’d created a summer-focused business and I asked how he supported himself through the winter. He said, “With student loans.” That was enough to tell me we were at different places in our lives and I wasn’t interested in progressing.Eye contact. Again, this should be common sense. But I now know that many midlife people feel invisible, marginalized by the lack of people noticing them other than those obligated to do so. If you focus on someone during a conversation that is such an unusual and exhilarating experience for some they are immediately drawn to you.During the break in my presentation recently, a man came up and asked me a question. He was sort of geeky looking, overweight, and bespectacled. I doubted many woman gave him much attention. I held eye contact during our brief conversation. After my speech, he came up and asked if he could help me pack up and continued to talk with me. I think the eye contact made him feel that someone had noticed him and this was a warm, wonderful, and unusual experience.So allure can be simple. One does not have to have stunningly good looks to be alluring. Simple sincere behaviors can make you more attractive.
What else would you add to this short list of alluring elements?
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Sometimes we find ourselves thinking about someone we would have liked to date, but it never came to be. You wonder how it might have turned out. If he’s still single, you wonder if you should reconnect. Or if he’s now a pal, if we should telegraph our romantic interest.
A colleague and I found ourselves single during the same time frame. We enjoyed each other’s conversations, but there was never any move to go out. We shared dating stories and cheered each other on. He was always attentive and complimentary, but he never intimated that he felt other than pals.
A year ago he started dating a woman and became engaged. I was glad he’d found someone who adored him as much as he did her.
I saw him recently and updated him on my dating status. He asked how many men I’ve now gone out with. When I told him 105, he said he wishes he’d been in the mix.
I was surprised since I knew he was in love with his fiancée. I had no idea he would have liked to go out with me. We live several states apart, so it would have been hard to date seriously. But his comment did make me think of others I would have liked to have dated, to see if it would have worked out.
Do you daydream about men who got away? That you would have liked to have dated but it didn’t happen for whatever reason? If so, have you made contact to see what might evolve? Tell us your story.
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He did not get it on sale or discount. He is not a wealthy man, but isn’t impoverished either. She had not mentioned she longed for a large monitor. He noticed her smaller one and went out and bought it.
Normally, we’d adore a man who saw something that would improve our lives and acted on it
Many columns ago I started as Jake with one central dilemma: Should I stay single and play the field, or really, truly search for The One? I was inclined to go with the former. The way I saw it, there’s a reason movies end, not begin, with “they lived happily ever after”—there’s nothing exciting to that part of the story.
Then I had dinner with Strawberry. Then I kissed Strawberry. Thought of nothing but Strawberry, her deadpan wit, her bookish smarts and, yes, her tendency to unhook her bra faster than I can. By any measure, you could say I’ve found Mrs. Jake. So what have I learned along the way? These very important lessons:
It’s possible to love and TO doubt at the same time.In the past I thought I’d meet somebody with whom I’d become so obsessed that this whole Is-She-the-One-and-Only dilemma would just disappear. That hasn’t happened. But I’ve learned to be honest about my doubts. Exhibit A: Not long ago, over a superromantic French dinner, I blurted out, “I don’t know if I’m meant to be with one person. I like getting outside my comfort zone; relationships are just one big comfort zone.” It may have been shallow, but it was a first for me: I said it, instead of just thinking it and then finding the nearest exit from the relationship. Did she freak out? Nope. She listened patiently, talked it through rationally and said, “I get it, and that’s human.” And now I want to be with her, and her alone, more than ever.
To Get Anyone Talking, Listen.You ladies are talkers. Us men? Not so much. This you know. But the past year has reformed me. Or rather, Strawberry has reformed me. She’s the most patient, understanding, secure woman I’ve ever been with—and as you can see from the Zen master calm she displayed above, she doesn’t make me feel like a tool for bringing stuff up. Maybe I’ve never cared enough about a woman to open up in the past, or maybe Strawberry is the first one who makes me feel like I can. Either way, this is something special. My advice for capturing a little of that? Try to really listen to your guy. Don’t put your feelings or expectations onto him; just listen.
You don’t want perfect. You want real.Out there in the dating pool, most men are operating under the assumption that you don’t want the real us: We’re not romantic enough. We’re not provider-y enough. We’re not…clean enough. So we try to squash our true nature and morph into the man you deserve. The problem is, we then live in fear of being found out—and that makes real intimacy impossible. By letting me say the hard stuff, Strawberry helped me get past this fear. And that’s the ticket: The less we feel like we have to hide things from you, the less likely we are to run and hide.
Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?
EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.
Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”
What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”
EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)
Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”
What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.”
