Promise or possibility?

by Dating Goddess on January 3, 2009

When a man says, “Let’s get together Saturday night,” do you take that as a possibility or a promise?

I take it as a promise. If he says, “Let’s do lunch sometime,” as many acquaintances do, I view that as a possibility — a remote one, more of a nicety than necessity. No fixed date is stated. But giving a time frame, even if no specific time, is a promise in my mind.

If he said, “Let’s get together this weekend,” I still consider it a promise, with the specifics to be determined later. I hold in my mind that we will get together, even though I won’t reserve a day or time until that is cemented. So I don’t limit my activities waiting for the phone to ring.

This came up again this week. Tuesday I met for coffee a man with whom I’d been talking for a week. We had an enjoyable time, laughing and learning about each other. At the end of the hour, as he walked me to my car he said, “Would you like to get together again?” I responded, “That would be fun.” He said, “I have to work tomorrow night, but why don’t we go listen to some music Thurs. or Friday night?” “Either one works for me.” He said, “Great. Tell me when to be where and I’ll be there.” “Okay,” I muttered, as I knew he was new to the area so might not have ideas on where to go.

On my way home, I thought about all the things I had to do before going abroad in a week. I didn’t relish researching who’s playing at which clubs then deciding which would work best for both of us. And candidly, I think it’s part of a man’s job to plan an outing that he thinks would please the woman he’s trying to impress. I spent too many years being the activity planner in my marriage and now I want to have someone who will take the lead at least half the time.

I called him the same afternoon and said, “I have a request. As you know, I’m preparing for my trip to Dubai next week and would really appreciate it if you would do some digging about our music options.” He said, “No problem. I’ll call you tomorrow and we can discuss it.” I appreciated his flexibility.

Wednesday evening he called from work (he works nights) to say hi. Before we could solidify plans, he said he needed to go as someone needed him pronto, but we’d talk tomorrow. No problem.

Thursday came and went with no contact. I thought, “Perhaps he’s thinking we’ll get together Friday.” Friday came and went with no contact.

This has happened to me before. So is he flaky? Did he decide he’s just not that into me? Did I misunderstand? Was my assertiveness too much for him to handle?

I kick myself for not doing what I’ve learned to do from past experiences like this: set a time before which we’ll talk to solidify plans, like, “Let’s talk by 5:00 Wed. to solidify our plans.” I forgot to do that this time. Not that it slowed me down, as I went about my business anyway. But it does make it hard to make other plans. So on Tuesday when he said “Let’s get together Thursday or Friday,” I didn’t make plans with a gal pal to see a movie on the other night, as I might have if the date were definite. I could have limited our date plans to one of the two days, but I wanted to be flexible in case a great band was playing one night but not the other.

I also could have called him to clarify, but I figure if I have to chase a man down to confirm a date, he’s not that into me so I will just let it go. If he doesn’t want to see me enough to confirm then best to release him.

Contrast that with another man with whom I’ve been talking once a week for 5 weeks. Our schedules haven’t meshed until this weekend. He called Monday and asked about getting together. We decided Sunday would be best. He called Friday to further define our plans. We discussed options. He said he’s going to research where to meet in the town about half-way between us and he’d get back to me Saturday. I like that kind of planning and follow through! He understands that possibilities need to be turned into promises if he wants to see me.

What do you think about the difference between possibility and promise? Have you ever thought something was a possibility when the man you were seeing thought it was a promise?

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Uneven ardor

It’s wonderful when dating someone who has the same level of infatuation you do. It’s fabulous to both feel similarly smitten.

However, my experience is it isn’t that common to feel equal adoration. One of you is typically more entranced than the other.

When it’s you who’s head-over-heels and he’s not feeling it to the same degree, you can feel embarrassed at your infatuation. You tend to be the one who initiates conversations and encounters, or at least the overtures are weighted to your side. You hear yourself asking him, “When will I see you again,” although you know that sounds clingy and needy — you can’t seem to help yourself.

If he’s the one who’s beguiled, you can still be embarrassed. His frequent calls to say he’s thinking of you, his flow of emails, IMs or texts telling you how beautiful, wonderful, and/or sexy you are can be overwhelming, even if they don’t reach stalker velocity. His showering you with flowers or gifts is touching and sweet, but when you know you don’t feel similarly, they can be hard to accept.

I once dated a man for 3 months who wanted us to move in together. Because of distance, we only saw each other a few days every two weeks. I felt I barely knew him, although we talked and emailed often in between assignations. He would bring or send me a small gift every week. Even when I was traveling, he’d have something delivered to my room. I was fond of him, yet not in love. Finally, I had to pull the plug as I saw it was unfair to him to keep accepting his affection and gifts when I was not feeling myself falling for him and did not honestly feel I would.

Have you been in a lopsided relationship? What did you do to either even it out or get out?

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Can he afford you?

by Dating Goddess on February 3, 2009

While in Dubai, I befriended a 28-year-old local professional man who shared the romantic reality for many like him. His description made me think of some parallels to Western dating, although, of course, there are huge differences.

He explained that men and women are commonly match-made through their families. The women often require a groom’s dowry. For example, a woman wants her husband to provide her with the same standard of living that her father provides her, even though her father is well established financially and her intended husband is just starting out.

So she expects him to provide her the same level of designer clothing, upscale housing, exclusive club memberships, exotic vacations, and regular spa visits.

Then there’s the one-up game. If her sister’s husband bought her a Lexus then she insists on a Mercedes. If her sister got a 3-bedroom house, she wants a 4-bedroom.

So before he asks or agrees to marry her, the man decides if he can afford her. Can he keep up with her (and her parent’s) demands?

In dating, part of deciding if you are a match is not only discovering if you have similar values, interests and sensibilities, but also similar economic expectations. It is common for midlife couples to have somewhat equal incomes, or the man to make more. It has become more commonplace for the woman to earn more. But for all the advancements toward equality, there is still a prevalent expectation that the man will buy most of the dating dinners and some other expenses during the wooing process, or they will take turns treating.

If the man can’t afford to at least pay half, it can sour the relationship no matter how much a woman is into him. He can be the sweetest, kindest, most loving man and yet if he can’t afford a similar lifestyle, it is a short-lived relationship. One or both of them can’t tolerate the imbalance.

I’ve experienced this myself. While I can be drawn to a man for his great personality, economics do enter into my decision whether to continue to see him or not. I feel shallow to admit it, but it is true. I think, in part, it’s because I was married to a financially strapped man for 20 years and felt it put restraints on what we were able to do. I paid more than my share of many things and supplemented vacations and home improvements. At the time I said it didn’t really matter but the truth is it began to stick in my craw. I felt like I was carrying a man who was unwilling to step up and at least shoulder his own weight.

So while economics can seem superficial, it affects activities and lifestyle. If you want to have exotic vacations and he can’t afford to pay his way, you can foot the bill. If you enjoy 5-star restaurants and he can only spring for diners, you can treat. But for most couples, it will eventually cause a rift. Even if you have a high unending stream of income, you can begin to feel taken advantage of.

And if he feels he can’t afford you, he will lose his ardor. A man needs to believe he can make his woman happy and if he feels her needs are beyond his capabilities or interest, he’ll cut her lose. One date admitted his last relationship ended because she wanted to “live life large” with a big house, fancy car, and foreign vacations. And while she made a good income, it wasn’t enough to support that lifestyle for both of them. He said at his age — mid fifties — he really didn’t want to work that hard to make that kind of money. He wanted to spend more time with his kids and on his hobbies than at work earning money to support a lifestyle he didn’t really want. So he broke up with his girlfriend since it was clear they had different life goals and values.

Have you begun to date someone who you really liked, but you realized you had different lifestyle expectations? Did you decide to continue seeing him or pull the plug when you saw your economic dreams looked different?

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Mistaking nice for interest

by Dating Goddess on February 8, 2009

One of the hardest things in dating is when one of you misinterprets the other’s niceness or politeness for interest. I’ve been on both sides — the misinterpreter and the misinterpreted. Last night I was on the latter side. Neither feels good.

I’d made an exception to my “coffee-only” first date rule and agreed to meet for dinner. He was sweet and a gentleman during the several get-to-know-you phone calls and we were both traveling an hour to meet. So insisting on just coffee seemed harsh.

From the calls I knew that for all his sweet disposition and growing fondness of me, I doubted we were a match. Yet, having experienced seeming pre-date mismatches turn into beaus, I thought “what the heck” and accepted his dinner invitation.

When I approached our meeting spot I could see that his profile pictures were about 10 years younger than the balding, slightly stooped 49-year-old man before me. Okay. People often look different than even recent pictures portray.

He was sweet and considerate as we walked the downtown district looking for an enticing restaurant. We decided on an unusual ethic cuisine. We enjoyed the stellar food and service as we chatted about life. He was an acceptable conversationalist, periodically asking about my interests or life, and only interrupting occasionally. I asked about him and offered my stories and information that pertained.

Throughout dinner, he peppered his comments with “I’d love to take you to…” or “We could go to….” It was clear he was hungry for a life companion and he hoped that would be me. Since I didn’t share his perspective, I did not encourage him when he let those comments drop.

After dinner, he suggested we stroll and explore the shops and galleries. He stumbled to help me with my coat; clearly this was not something he had done a lot. He grabbed my hand telling me how much he’d looked forward to this night. Feeling uncomfortable holding hands with a man I knew didn’t interest me, I gently dropped hands to button my coat. He put his arm around my shoulders. I switched my purse to the inside hand so it would not be easy to grab again, and lengthened the distance between us so it would not be easy to put his arm around me.

How does one gracefully dissuade a man from making advances? Aside from overtly saying something, which seemed hurtful and ungrateful after his treating for a splendid dinner, I did what I thought were enough signals for him to get the message. He didn’t. In retrospect, I suppose I could have said, “I’m uncomfortable with PDAs on a first date,” although if I’m into a guy that’s not true.

He asked, “So do you see yourself dating a man from (his city)?” I know this was a perfect opening for me to say, “no,” but that just felt mean. So I stammered something about being geographically undesirable. Ugh! For someone who usually considers herself to be forthright and articulate, I was coming up with nothing!

At my car we started to hug goodbye but he kissed me. I quickly broke it off and just hugged him. He held me longer than I’d have preferred and then kissed me again. I broke it off. He said, “Would you like to do this again?” I felt his loneliness, his pent-up craving to have someone in his life, but I could not agree to it. As nicely as I could, I uttered a noncommittal, “We can discuss it on the phone.” and got in my car.

I wondered if I should have been blunt with him since he was not catching my distancing clues. It just seemed cruel to do so. However, I know it is also cruel to let someone have false expectations. I will tell as gently and compassionately as I can on the phone that we are not a match.

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Biggest surprise with midlife dating

by Dating Goddess on February 20, 2009

I’ve been interviewed a lot lately to promote the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series. A question I hadn’t really given a lot of thought to keeps coming up.

It is, “What’s the biggest negative surprise you’ve had with dating midlife men?”

Since I keep getting asked this, my response has evolved as I’ve thought about it more.

My answer?

Lack of conscientiousness.

This takes in several behaviors, all, coincidentally, starting with “c”!

Are you emotionally ready to begin dating again?

by Dating Goddess on February 24, 2009

A 7-year-divorced, midlife friend is starting to date again after a few-year respite. A few years ago, she fell in love with a man who seemed equally infatuated. They dated for six months, having sleepovers several times a week. It seemed this relationship was going to be long-term, so she took the plunge and introduced him to her teenage daughter, something reserved for very few of the men she dated.

On a business trip, immediately upon landing she turned on her phone to tell her sweetie that she’d arrived safely and there was his text: “I’m married.”

We can only imagine the pain, anger, betrayal, hurt, and confusion she felt. Needless to say, it’s taken her a while to reenter the dating pool. Which she did recently.

She shared, “I met someone online. I liked him but since I’m so rusty, I was nervous on the first date. He gently put his arm around me and I couldn’t believe I said, ‘Don’t touch me! You don’t know me well enough.’”

Now we feel compassion for her, don’t we? We understand how one can be nervous around someone whom they’ve become fond through emails and phone conversations. A kind, loving, caring man would give her some grace because of the pre-meeting connection they’d shared.

But her story doesn’t end here.

“A few seconds before my blurting out at him, I tensed up, clutching my arm to my body. My phone, which was inside my pocket, randomly dialed my daughter’s friend. She heard me tell him not to touch me and thought I was in trouble on this date. She proceeded to call everyone who she thought knew me to tell them something was wrong on my date. So everyone started texting me and warning me to stay put and someone would rescue me. Poor guy, he thought I was completely nuts.”

Oy! She’s now testing every ounce of patience he has. Any deposits she had made to his Bank of Grace are close to being — if not already — overdrawn.

She didn’t share how this date ended, or if it ended right then, or if she ever talked to him again. But I understood — and I think she did too — that she wasn’t really emotionally ready to begin dating again. Her nerves were a bit too raw and her ability to graciously express her boundaries was nonexistent.

What could you do if you find yourself similarly unable to cope? Admit it. If a man does something that unwittingly crosses your boundary (e.g., first date hand on knee, passionate kiss, or other PDA), you can simply say, “I haven’t dated in a while and it will take me a little while to get to know you and feel comfortable with PDAs.” Or, “I’m a bit rusty at dating, so I’d like to take it slow.” Or, “I love PDAs but I have to know a guy a bit longer to feel comfortable.”

My friend is an intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful woman, so I’m guessing that after she pulled away she said something like the above to him. And hopefully he/they could laugh at all the texting drama. It could happen to any of us.

No matter on which side of this scenario you might find yourself, it’s telling to see how each person reacts. If she didn’t apologize for her brusqueness, that says a lot about her. If he didn’t accept it, that tells us a lot about him. If she didn’t laugh at the texting and say something like, “It’s great to have so many friends who care about me,” she’s taking life much too seriously. (And she needed to respond to all the texts to assure her friends she was fine.) If he didn’t laugh along with her, he’s not putting himself in her place.

Missteps happen in dating. And how you both react tells you a lot about your emotional readiness to handle the inevitable ups and downs that dating usually entails.

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